


Burden

by SgtPepper007



Series: Oneshots [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Doubt, Emotional Hurt, Idols, Insecurity, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Byun Baekhyun, Mentioned Kim Jongdae | Chen, Mentioned Kim Jongin | Kai, Mentioned Kim Joonmyun | Suho, Mentioned Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Mentioned Oh Sehun, Mentioned Park Chanyeol, Mentioned Zhang Yi Xing | Lay, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 00:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15763356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SgtPepper007/pseuds/SgtPepper007
Summary: The members of the popular korean boy group EXO are spending a week in Japan for a series of fan meetings and are now returning to Seoul. While they have a packed schedule that is tiring, the members enjoyed meeting their japanese fans and are happy about their activities no matter how exhausted they are. However, one of the nine members is having a hard time. Kyungsoo isn't feeling well and keeps struggling on his own, hiding deep thoughts from his band members and he's soon reaching his limits.





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> When i watched EXO at Party People, Kyungsoo's words and thoughts had a huge impact on me and made me reflect about many things concerning idols and the K Pop industry. As a result, i wrote a one shot inspired by it. I hope it can also maks you reflect about the issues that were mentioned by Kyungsoo in the interview.

"Thank you everyone for taking the time to come here today!", exclaimed the tallest of the group.

"We had so fun much with you all and we are working harder to show you an even greater side of us. EXO-Ls, thank you so much for your support. We love you."

As soon as these words left Junmyeon's mouth, the nine boys bowed, waved and blew kisses to the fans cheering excitedly in front of them. When they left the room where their fan meeting was held, the tired members could still hear the cheers of their fans and could even distinguish a few sobs here and there.

This was the last event of the series of fan meetings they held in Japan and while they were satisfied and happy about their busy week, they were relieved that it was finally over. Beetween meeting the fans and practicing late at night, or rather early in the morning, none of the members had the opportunity to have a good night of sleep yet. They managed to take short naps while getting ready to go on stage in order to have energy as well as taking vitamins, but their lack of healthy sleep was starting to feel heavy.

A few members fell tiredly on the chairs of their changing room, feeling their energy leaving their body at the same rythm as their fans's cheers fading away. The others stayed up and took their water bottles only to take huge gulps to ease their vocal cords and to refresh their sweating bodies. At this point, the only thing that kept them going was their fans. If it wasn't for them and their enthousiasm, they wouldn't have been able to make it through the event.

While the members talked about how good the last fan meeting went and how they will order some ramen before taking a shower back at the hotel, one of them didn't bother losing his time chatting with his fellow members. As soon as he entered the changing room crowded by the staff, Kyungsoo took his water bottle and walked as quickly as possible to the closest toilet. As soon as he closed the door and locked it, he took a look at himself in the mirror, a deep and long sigh escaping his lips. If it wasn't for his make up, he would look absolutely awful.

This day was especially taking a toll on him. He had a huge headache that made him lose his focus throughout the entire event and there was no way that it would stop. Moreover, his head had started to spin right in the middle of the fan meeting. While studying his facial features, Kyungsoo took deep breaths to calm him down. Smiling for hours was so tiring, even more than usual. He was happy to meet their japanese fans. He truly was happy and thankful. He did his best to try and have as much as fun as they did but he couldn't. He was completely out of it. Physically and mentally.

Feeling his nerves being more and more unstable because of the throbbing pain his head was giving him, he took two painkillers and let himself sit comfortably on the toilet seat, finishing his water bottle that somehow failed at easing him. 

Even with the ruckus being made in the changing room, Kyungsoo managed to block out all the noises from his ears and let silence invade his personal space. Tranquility was highly needed. 

He was exhausted like never before. His body ached and his mind was driving him crazy. He was used to this as an idol. He has seen it all every since he was a trainee and while he had been a complete wreck way too many times to count, this time felt heavier and unbearable. This time was different.

Calmness was great. But at the same time it wasn't. It only made his thoughts louder in his mind. However, at that moment, he didn't have the energy to even think. Sitting on the toilet and feeling his back pressed against the cold wall managed to soothe him a little bit and he was grateful that even his worries were leaving him alone.

A few minutes later, the sound of knocking startled him and woke him up from the sleeping state he was in. He only realized that his eyes were closed when he felt them suddenly opening. He then took a look at the watch on his wrist, noticing that he had been in the toilet for five minutes already.

The knocking continued for the second time, waking him up more from his slumber and awakening his numbed senses.

"Kyungsoo, are you okay?"

Jongdae's concerned voice reached Kyungsoo's ears but before he could answer something back, another member's voice echoed through the door that separated them.

"Are you alright? We are ready to go now. Minseok already called the restaurant to deliver our dinner at our hotel."

Kyungsoo then sat up quickly, a huge mistake since it made him even more dizzy than he already was, and he tried to ignore it as he made his way towards the door only to unlock and open it clumsily. Chanyeol and Jongdae were both in front of him. As soon as they saw him, worry took over their features and Kyungsoo told them with as much conviction as he could that he was fine.

"Let me just take my stuff first. I will be ready in a few seconds."

They both didn't buy it at all but they decided not to push him. They knew that everyone was exhausted so they decided to wait patiently for him. When the three of them left the venue, all the other members were already in their respective cars. They waved one last time at the fans that were waiting for them outside and they rode towards their hotel while making a lot of turns to make sure that no one was following the popular idols. Too many accidents happened before and their company didn't want to take any chances.

The evening was uneventful. The members silently ate their ramen in their private rooms and took a short shower before going to bed and enjoying as much sleep as they could manage.

《 ▪▪▪▪▪ 》

The next morning was even worse for Kyungsoo. Not only his headache didn't leave him alone for a second, but his body was so sore that he couldn't fall alseep, unable to find a comfortable position. Endless thoughts kept invading his mind, ones that were too much of a burden. He ended up staying up all night while looking outside his room's window or curled up on the floor with his earphones on. Usually, listening to some music would make him fall alseep when he was having a hard time but it didn't work. At some point, it even worsened his headache.

He was hoping that he would at least be able to sleep a few minutes in their flight back to their home country. He would be lucky if he could. He had been lacking sleep for many days. He didn't bother counting since it was too many already. He didn't understand how he could manage to even walk at this point.

While they were waiting to board their plane that would be going to Seoul, he observed the other members.They seemed to feel better than him. They were still sleepy but at least they had the energy to make jokes and to crack a smile. Kyungsoo was unable to do that. 

They all noticed that the small man was not his usual self. He had dark circles around his eyes and he looked like he was about to collapse at any second. Too worried about him, Sehun and Jongin joined him where he stood alone and asked him a few questions, wanting to be of help and to know what was going on.

"Kyungsoo, are you okay? What happened?"

Sehun was the first one to speak, obviously worried about him. Jongin was waiting impatiently for him to answer and confess what was troubling him. Kyungsoo on the other hand wasn't sure he wanted to speak his thoughts out. He opted for the safest option: focusing on his physical state.

"I just have a headache. I couldn't sleep because of it. But don't worry, i'll try to rest on the plane."

He tried to smile a little but failed, making the two members even more concerned. The truth is that Kyungsoo wasn't only exhausted because of his headache and the crazy schedules he had to deal with. He was tired of everything. He was tired of lacking sleep, tired of working without a break, tired of not being able to go out without being recognized, of not being able to see his family when he wanted to. He was tired of all the rules SM locked them into, of the endless worries and the pressure about being perfect and being chased by possessive fans that don't want them to have a life outside of their career.

He was tired of everything.

And he felt like he was going to explode at any moment.

However, he couldn't say it to his fellow members. He couldn't bring the courage to do it. He felt guilty about not opening up to them because he considered them as his brothers. He has always been the kind of person to keep his thoughts to himself unless it concerned his career and they knew it well. But he wasn't ready to talk about his concerns. He wasn't ready to completely break down in front of them yet.

As for Sehun and Jongin, they knew that there was more to it than physical exhaustion. They knew the man in front of them too well. But they also knew that what he was hiding held too much of a meaning for him to say it out loud. And they respected it. 

While they were having a silent conversation with their eyes, the other members approached them and gave warm smiles at Kyungsoo to show their support. The latter didn't feel comfortable because of the sudden attention though. He feared that they would push him to spill his worries out loud, the last thing he wanted to do at that moment.

"You don't have to hide anything from us. You know it, right?", said Junmyeon.

"We are here for you, Kyungsoo. Anytime", added Yixing.

They had all been suspecting that Kyungsoo was hiding something from them and he knew it himself. But he knew that with their busy schedules and solo activities, it would be hard to talk to them about his issues. Just like he wasn't ready to open up, he didn't want to be a burden.

Kyungsoo just nodded and made his way towards the plane that was now ready to welcome them on board. The members were nice, way too much, and he felt guilty about avoiding them but he didn't want to confront them. Yixing's words actually made his eyes tear up but it wasn't the right moment to turn into a sobbing mess. It wasn't the right moment to let his walls down.

While he was sitting on the plane next to Baekhyun, none of them spoke a word, to his relief. His companion only yawned and fell asleep as soon as the plane took its flight.

Finally averting his eyes from the sight of Baekhyun sleeping so effortlessly, the small man decided to take another painkiller to ease his headache that wouldn't leave him alone and he let his thoughts invade his mind.

Being an idol was hard. It was far harder than he could have imagined. They went through so much since they debuted. People thought they were failures, they looked down on them. But they showed them what they were made of and they succeeded. Three members left them, three precious talented men couldn't take their burdens anymore for too many reasons. But the remaining members still kept going.

They went through hell and heaven just to see their fans smile. Because of their passion and their love. They beared a huge weight on their shoulders permanently for these two reasons. While being an idol means sacrificing a huge part of one's freedom, it is also thrilling.

Being an idol is a job like any other one. While countless people out there work all day to be able to pay their rents and to take care of their children, they practice and perform on a daily basis. While mothers wake up lacking from sleep everyday just to make sure that their children are eating well and attending school when they also work and take care of their house and their husband, idols go through long schedules with a variety of tasks like photoshoots, recordings, practicing and performing. 

Everyone is tired. Everyone has different burdens. Being alive in itself is a challenge.

After all, don't we all make sacrifices? Don't we all give away a part of our freedom to survive? 

He wasn't the only one who was having a hard time. His fellow members did and everyone with more strandard lives did too. However, repeating these thoughts over and over again in his mind didn't affect him anymore like it used to. It eased him at first but it wasn't the case anymore. These words lost their power a long time ago. This way of thinking wouldn't change his lack of will to pursue his career as an idol. Because he kept pushing his limits and he would fall. Because his doubts kept increasing at any passing second and he was convinced that quitting would be the best option for him.

The possibility to be the fourth member to leave the group has crossed his mind too many times. Imagining being able to have a normal life and to have more freedom was starting to be extremely tempting, especially since he had seriously been thinking about quitting for a few months now.

He missed his family so badly. He missed walking casually on the streets quietly without a crowd of fans following him around. Just the thought of returning into the SM building locked inside a small room made his stomac twist. Traveling to Japan was actually a change of scenery that helped him but not enough to make him have a change of mind.

He knew that it was only a matter a time before he would break down. He couldn't bear this anymore. He was already far passed his limits.

When the plane landed, hell broke loose. While the nine members surrounded by their staff and bodyguards tried to walk casually towards the exit of the airport, the air was suffocating. Their fans that were waiting for them were too enthousiastic. As result, they were being mobbed. It was the same as usual actually, but Kyungsoo couldn't take it anymore. It was too much. His head was spinning so much that his bodyguards had to literally help him walk by taking his arms in theirs and pushing him forward. He could barely stand.

But while it was complete chaos in the airport, Kyungsoo's mind was the opposite of his body: he was calm. With his head spinning like crazy, he looked at the fans and wondered how it felt like to casually wake up one morning and to be prepared to greet his favourite artist in the airport, how it would feel like to go back home with his friends and being welcomed by the scent of his mother's favourite dish, to attend classes and going to the karaoke with his friends after it only to do his assingments when he would return home with his family. 

He wondered how it felt to be normal.

With these thoughts and a body in extreme pain, Kyungsoo started to gradually lose his focus. He fought to keep his eyes open for a while but had to surrender.

It was time for a little break.

Eventually, the popular group made their way towards the exit. Kyungsoo was the last one since his heavy body was literally being dragged away by the bodyguards, a sight that frightened the members. But what came next was even more scary: Kyungsoo's lifeless body collapsed.

It didn't take much time before the sound of sirens echoed loudly at the exit of the airport only to pick up an uncounscious man. A man that was part of one of the most popular Kpop boygroups. A man that was loved by his members and at least half of the population. A man that in spite of showing his brightest smile was hiding the darkest secrets.

A man that couldn't bear his own burden any longer.


End file.
